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In order to only offend those who truly deserve it, I begin this rant with a proviso. I can only truly speak from my own experience, and from the research I have read. For those who have had differing experiences, I do not negate that. Instead, I want to bring some hope into a conversation which is very easily framed as hopeless. Bring a positive view, and an affirming word, to those who are concerned that they may get lost in the noise.
I have seen many people fixate on what it means to be a minority in a technical space. Given that I have frequently been the only woman in a highly technical conversation, I am “allowed” to have an opinion in this matter. My biggest pet peeve about being a minority in this space, is how much we power we give it outside of diversity, equity, and inclusion conversations. I do fully support DEI initiatives, and ally myself closely with the groups working to improve representation across the tech industry. I acknowledge that having an industry full of bros isn’t going to get anywhere. Here is the controversial part. Having an industry full of bros and whiners is also not going to get anywhere.
Whiners is a strong word, isn’t it? So, who are they? Let me begin with who they are not. They are not the people who, when they experience micro or macro aggressions, deal with those in a mature and sensible manner. Either directly or via a third party. They are not the people who have had to make HR reports of inappropriate behaviour. They are not the people who are entirely reasonable up until the point when you do something stupid. No, the whiners are the people who recognise that they are a minority, and then want special treatment. They constantly bring up the fact that they are the minority, even when it is entirely irrelevant. They make a point of how hard life is when they don’t look the same, act the same, think the same, as everyone around them.
I don’t think like other developers much of the time. I use that to my advantage. I am a woman, I have a high level of empathy, and I have been socialised to act in a certain way. I also have ADHD, enough aspects of autism to be noticeable if you know what you’re looking for, and a really strong sense of justice. I use that to my advantage too. In fact, by being deliberately unconcerned about my gender in the workplace (outside of maybe how I dress) I have never had people really question my knowledge. I have had absolutely useless conversations with people who don’t want to admit that women might think differently to men, and that’s why they can’t hire them. But I have never once had anyone say my technical knowledge was insufficient due to my gender. Due to inexperience, yes. In those cases, I have always (yes, always) learnt something new.
So, what is the rant about? I have seen too many people who want to talk about the experience of being a Woman in Tech. Or a Zargon in Tech. Or an Asteroid in Tech. If you show up with more than one head, I simply expect you to consider more sides of the problem in parallel. If you show up with an extra arm, it must be awesome to be able to type and use a mouse concurrently. If you are autistic, and you struggle with soft skills, that doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. It means you tell your team up front, “hey I might be a bit blunt, and if I say something offensive please call me out on it.” Sometimes you will need legitimate accommodations, for example, asking a deaf or hard-of-hearing person to join a phone call in an operational event isn’t going to work out great. That person is legitimately going to need to communicate via text, and may need another colleague to share information from the fast moving call for them. I may take an easy day when I have really bad cramps some months, and I definitely support fidget toys during meetings.
Needing and requesting accommodations for being one or more standard deviation from the median person in your office is perfectly fine. Once that has been granted, you can drop it and move on (unless your colleague steals your footrest, then you can rib him about it). Having a victim mindset, where you see every slight as an attack on your minority status, is not okay. Maybe you read all this, and you say, that’s great for you Pippa, but it sounds exhausting to manage correctly. Not really? There is research that suggests we assume people like us less than they do. I’ve been reading a book (Platonic by Dr Marisa G. Franco) which goes in depth about this, focusing on the way in which we make and keep friends. The thing I have come away with, is that it goes a lot further. Yes, being a minority may result in you having to do a little more work to fit in, and yes, as a white person I have a level of privilege that others may lack. But if you come into the room and simply act like you belong there, people will usually assume that you belong there.
If it talks like a developer, and writes like a developer, then it is a developer, even if it dresses like an asteroid. I’d even say, that outside of the very formal industries (some of the finance giants) developers are going to be some of the most accepting and “woke” people you could work with. Maybe it is because we have been hammering on about Grace Hopper, Ada Lovelace, and Anita Borg for so long that we have internalised the message. Maybe it is because we have seen how having a different perspective can improve a product. Maybe it is because we think falsehoods believed about names is funny, and we make sure to send it around to anyone who tries to pigeonhole people in their web form. I’m not sure. But I have seen some of the most amazing coming together around DEI from a bunch of middle-aged-white-dudes because they truly believed in it. Yes, there are bad apples in the bunch. There are women who tear each other apart for no reason. There are those who believe the only way to grow is to stomp the people around them. These people don’t last.
The only sustainable way to have people take you seriously is to treat them, and yourself, with respect. To believe that your knowledge and experience are valid (and if that is hard, to at least pretend you do) and then to walk with dignity into your next situation. If you feel more confident wearing ten centimetre heels, more power to you. If you are like me, and you hide behind your nerdy/geeky t-shirts, then enjoy them. Don’t look for differences to feel afraid of, look for common ground. Don’t feel concerned about someone having tenure, or experience, everyone has different experiences. I learnt that one the hard way, when as a lowly junior dev a senior watched me work and said “I didn’t know you could do that, that’s neat.” Remember those moments, and then when you are a senior, give them to the juniors around you.
Software is a team sport. You can’t have one player always whining about how they never get the ball, but they also never move into the right space to be passed the ball, and if they do get it they keep it too long and lose it. You also can’t afford to rely on super stars, because they will get sick, or injured, or a better offer, and then your team is sunk. So, be a team player. Take the chip of your shoulder, and remember you passed the interview. That means you belong where you are. Believe that. Act like you believe that. Stop taking offence at minor infractions, and go build something awesome. If you do experience people talking over you, or asking you to change your behaviour, call them out on it in private. If that doesn’t work, speak with a people manager, or a mentor about it. Sometimes we do need to change. Abrasiveness and authenticity are not synonyms, so don’t get them confused.
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Pippa Hillebrand 