If you check the home page for this blog, you will see that I happily accept my neurodivergence. The precise details don’t usually matter, but I have found that there are some things I have to make very clear to people. Things I often forget need to be clarified because so many of the people around me have the same need. One of the biggest aspects is how to communicate.
Communication as a skill
Some people naturally communicate well. They are well spoken, use words correctly without seeming overcomplicated, and leave you feeling appreciated. Others of us, have read multiple books about how to interact with people, including strategies for handling conflict, or broaching an embarrassing topic. I would say both groups make good leaders, but that those who have learnt the skill may have a little more empathy for others who struggle. In the tech industry, natural communication skills should only be assumed up to a certain point. I have worked with many people for whom communication is a learnt skill, or a growth area.
I was fortunate early on in my career to have some books recommended to me, which helped me to refine my algorithm for corporate communication. Technically they are supposed to apply to personal communication as well, but I find the societal rules far more fluid in those instances, and so it is far harder to initialise the relationship in the correct state. The same principles do apply though. Openness, honesty, and conciseness. In many people this comes across as bluntness, possibly to the point of rudeness. The best communicators are able to temper the hard words to take the sting out, and allow someone to see that they are spoken from a place of goodwill. Not just the compliment sandwich. To be able to build a relationship of trust wherein it is possible to say “you dropped the ball here, and this is the impact it had” without it feeling like a personal attack and being interpreted as “you messed up, and it means I now think you’re a bad person, and I’m never going to trust you again”.
Feedback and one to one communication is only one aspect of this skill. There are more, again, skills I continuously work on. Writing clearly to communicate an idea or a concept. Something I work on every week as I put together the next post here on this blog. I am fortunate to have had many years of reading both fiction and non-fiction to help me find my voice. I have dabbled in writing courses, and I make great use of my spell-checker. I probably ought to edit more, and focus more on the intricacies of good grammar. Thankfully I am writing in my first language, and much of that I can do naturally.
Public speaking is also a skill I have nurtured. Not one I exercise a great deal, as I have to get over my innate shyness and impostor syndrome before really going for it. I do get opportunities though. Speaking at DevConf is a great example. The more you do it, the better you get at seeing what people want to hear, and the better you get a structuring talks. I do draw on some childhood experiences, where I was entered into the Eisteddfod competitions for events such as “dramatised poetry”. In which I stood before a small audience, and a panel of judges, and recited a poem whilst using movement to emphasise words or ideas. If you choose the right poem it really isn’t that abstract.
Over communicating is not a bad thing
One of the things I have tried to nail into the heads of junior engineers over the last few years is that when they are working on a visible task or ticket, they should communicate more than they think. They are often under the misconception that they’re not allowed to get things wrong and I have had to explicitly refute that. Multiple times. Usually for the same person. Until they begin to understand that if they get it wrong in a place where others can see, those others can step in and help them course correct in time. Once you reach a senior enough level, it is possible to point out your own mistakes as proof of not being thrown to the wolves. To point someone at a task where I have been posting commentary about an ongoing investigation and show them this little byplay:
Comment 1: Current suspicion is <bug in this shape>
Comment 2: Blob of logs at _link_
Comment 3: Welp, that wasn’t the answer. Logs point at possibly <a different issue>
Comment 4: Turns out there is a timezone issue with the way we display this
Comment 5: Fixing this fully requires help from teams X, Y, and Z
Verbose and frequent communication is not only a benefit on tasks and tickets. It is useful in all aspects of professional life. Not wordiness for it’s own sake, but verbosity in the level of detail provided. When setting a meeting, to include a proposed agenda, or at least set of key points to cover will reduce the anxiety of the person with whom you are meeting. They can prepare, they can do any necessary research. They can read over the reports that you want to discuss. If they don’t that is their choice. You have given them the opportunity. Verbosity is good, but precision is even better. If you are setting up a time for a discussion with someone, propose a specific time. Maybe two. If that doesn’t work for them, they can very easily say “sorry I’m already booked then, can we do instead?” Now it is a dialogue, neither of you feels like you are being walked over, and you set a specific time to meet. Once set, do your best not to reschedule, and if you must reschedule, include a reason when doing so. I’m much happier with “hey, I can’t make today’s sync, my kid is at home sick” than with a no-show, or a last minute “sorry not going to make it”.
If you have someone waiting on you for something, and you want to stop them from pinging you about it all the time, providing a schedule of anticipated updates can help. Rather than having them come to you when they think of it, you can promise an update at the end of every <time period that makes sense> . Then, you keep to that schedule, even if the update is that three is no new news, and you are waiting on someone else to complete a piece of work. You have just allowed that person the peace of mind that (1) you are absolutely on the ball on this matter, and (2) if there is anything you need from them, you will ask. This goes both for subordinates waiting for some HR process or paperwork to be completed, and for project stakeholders who want to know when they are going to be able to show it off to people.
These little details can set people apart as leaders or collaborators. Taking the time to ensure clarity and common understanding earns so much trust, and helps build strong working relationships.
Verbal vs written
I’ve already mentioned writing a little bit. Obviously some forms of communication are only written. Also, there are clearly times when speaking to someone face to face is better. It is important to understand some of that nuance. There is a not inconsiderable contingent of people for whom reading is far easier than listening. Being one of them, I write a blog rather than rambling into a microphone on a podcast. I would far rather read a blog post than listen to a lecture. Voice notes on messaging apps drive me mad. When I handed in my resignation, I did not just send the email (written form) I made sure to do it on a day when I could speak to my manager in person, and had a conversation about it.
Let’s unpack some of those. Reading vs listening is a bit of a funny one. I know for a fact that I process words better if I read them. I lose track and focus when I listening to something. That is fine if it is a show that I have on in the background while I am doing something else, but if I am trying to learn something it isn’t great. If I find I can’t concentrate on what I’m reading, it is far more obvious. I will try and reduce distractions, build focus, and even write notes about what I’m reading if it is really important. The words and concepts will stick with me for much longer. I may even remember it well enough to be able to refer back to it later. I may not absorb writing at superhuman speeds, but I certainly absorb it at an above average rate.
The other aspect, about voice notes, is even stranger. There are a couple of aspects at play. The most important, is that I don’t want to make everyone who happens to be near me listen to the voice note. I don’t live with headphones on and connected to the device with my messaging app active. So, if I want to listen to a note, I have to connect headphones, and make an effort to listen. I can’t do that passively. I can’t get a sense of what the message is about from the first few lines showing up on my watch. I can’t glance at the notification and decide whether it needs an immediate response. The amount of “work” and “effort” I have to put in to listening to a voice note is weirdly high. Yes, it is my neurodivergence showing, but understanding that makes it far easier to manage.
So, some aspects in which I prefer written communication. What about in person, face to face, important conversations? There is a human aspect at play in this decision. By choosing to have the conversation in person, I am saying “this is important to me”. I am showing respect for the person to whom I am speaking, and I am doing what I can to ensure there are no misunderstandings. It also allows for a place of vulnerability which asynchronous written communication does not. I am allowing that person to see the emotions this causes me. I am trusting them with the truth of the matter. Even if it hasn’t happened to us, we’ve heard stories of that person breaking up via a text message, and it makes us cringe. Some matters are important enough to make the effort and speak in person.
Clearly speaking
Overall, I know that having learnt to communicate clearly the long way around means I’ve thought about it a lot. Deep thought on a topic can be a good thing, helping clarify opinions and processes. For me, the fact that I have communication as a learnt skill means I can take away people’s excuses, and say “I can help you learn to do this”. I believe it allows me the empathy to know I need to adjust my style to work for the person I am speaking to, and the skill to make that change. I’m all about details, and clarity. Concise, honest, open communication builds much better relationships than prevaricating or people pleasing. I don’t always get it right, but at least I try.
Pippa Hillebrand 