Christians like to say that God works in mysterious ways. The major mystery to me is how God manages to work outside of time. Because on a day when I am dealing with anxiety over travel, preparation, and other such stressful things, two entirely independent sources will bring up the fact that God’s love overcomes all fears. One of these a printed book I bought almost a year ago.
Godincidence
Two entirely unrelated sources coming up with the same message is unlikely. The fact that they happen right when I really to see that message, that’s extra special. Sure, if you know me you might be able to see that I am going to be extra stressed and anxious around this time. You will even know why. Which is why it is so much more powerful when the coincidence comes from a book. Sure, it’s a devotional book, something which is designed to help with seeing God in the day to day. The author still doesn’t know my life. Nor could they possibly know when I would be reading that particular entry.
I suppose technically the Galatians verse in my Bible app doesn’t talk about fear. But it makes me think about the things which hold me captive, and what it means to be an heir rather than a slave. It’s pretty old terminology. Not something which we use every day. To be the heir to a kingdom does not just mean that you are free to do anything you want. This isn’t Paris Hilton type stuff. There is a responsibility that comes along with the benefits. It is, nevertheless, miles above being a slave. The freedom of the riches that come with being God’s child make the responsibility worth it.
You can call it what you will, I call it heavenly oversight. I know that God is working things to make sure I am okay in all of this. There have been other moments in the past month which suggest to me that God wants me to get to this conference, and have it feel like a success. From moments when I thought I wasn’t going to complete the project, to simply the act of the talk being accepted. When I work in this knowledge, that God has a reason for me to be there, I view it slightly differently. Some of the anxiety abates, it is no longer just about how well I speak, or how well I have prepared. There is more that is planned for these few days. From teaching me to trust more, to allowing others to see me in this space.
Under Attack
There are times when it feels like the universe is conspiring against me. When I have done everything I can to maintain control over the situation, and then something comes out of nowhere to disrupt me. In the context I started writing this piece, we take the full chaos which is conference travel, and look at things which go wrong. For the most part it was a lovely experience. There were moments when I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. On the night before I was supposed to speak the first time, I ate something which didn’t agree with me. The hours awake and unhappy in a hotel bathroom in the middle of the night are a great time to ask “what did I do to deserve this?”
I sometimes feel like taking it personally is a level of arrogance I have not earned. I know that there are things which will try and get in the way of God’s plans. It is knowing this that allows me to find peace in the hard moments. To know that there is something important here. Probably not my talk, it wasn’t that manner of narrative. But there was a reason I needed to attend that week, and I needed to maintain my strength through it.
Plans
God’s plans are often beyond my direct understanding. I have known that for most of my life. I don’t always like it – I like to know what the day will bring. It does change the shape of my view of these moments. I am not always very good at slowing down my anxious ADHD brain and allowing it to just relax and trust the thing I cannot see. Yet, after doing exactly that, I frequently feel both more at ease with my situation, and better able to handle whatever it is. To the point where, on days when I have been frustrated with being stuck with something, and then finally let go into God’s hands, the resolution is found in far less time than I would have expected. Not just problem solving things, where you can argue that it is in relaxing my brain that I come up with a solution. Lost items being found by other people. Things I do not have control over finally lining up in meaningful ways.
Possibly one of the biggest choices I made in order to do this was when I quit my job last year. Yes, I am working again, but I spent a good half a year with no real clarity. Choosing to slow down, and trust that God would guide me in the right direction. When I started looking for the next piece of work, I had options which would have been good, stable, work, but they didn’t feel right. I was concerned that I might sit and consider forever, finding myself in analysis paralysis. Instead, an opportunity that didn’t fit all the parameters I thought I was looking for came up, and felt like the right kind of stepping stone. It felt right, and it came after leaving many of the questions in God’s hands.
Left with wonder
I am left at times like this with awe and wonder in my heart. I cannot say exactly where I am going. I cannot say that I have always known where God is pointing me. What I can say, is that I trust God will not lead me down the wrong way. I might stand out as an oddity, but I will stand firm in the faith which has brought me safe this far. God has a plan, it is bigger than anything I can see. I fight through the depression and anxiety of humanity in the hope that I might see a glimpse of it in the end of my life.
As I said to family recently. God is running this show, I’m just along for the ride.
Pippa Hillebrand 