When you are in the middle of something, you don’t always see the small changes which add up to growth or development. When you step back, and take a longer view, you can truly appreciate the scale of that growth. I am totally the aunt who says “oh how they’ve grown” about my nieces. Not always physically, although that too. Most recently,it was spending time with the six-and-a-half (the half is still important at this age) who is curious about everything, and loves my various projects. She hasn’t really had the capacity to do her own projects in the past, but this weekend we were able to build something together.
Its a personal journey
For all we look for “growth opportunities” for people — particularly in a corporate setting — finding the right places for people to discover new skills and interests isn’t easy. Yes, there are tests and coaching resources which can be used, but they aren’t there for everyone. To be perfectly honest, some of us don’t even know how to make use of those opportunities when they are sent our way. So, as well intentioned as external factors might be, growth is always going to come from inside.
My journey has required that I really look at what makes me tick. I’ve written a bit about this earlier in the year (not the lessons I expected), but the last few months have been a fascinating journey for me. I started my job hunt thinking I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted a steady full time job, in which I would be able to solve interesting problems, and mentor some people. I’ve known that there is a teacher inside me for years, it’s why I’ve mentored, written, and spoken as much as I have. The trick has always been how to balance that with the introvert who can’t handle too much “people-ing” in a single day. I worked through my own psychology deeply enough to know that solving problems is part of the creative journey which I love. I thought the best way to get all this right, would be to carry on with what I knew was there.
I knew I didn’t want to work in a big consulting firm. Those groups are filled with really amazing people, people who take pride in what they do, and are well looked after by corporate and HR. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, and if all you want is the challenge and the ability to flit from thing to thing, then they’re amazing places. My desire for stability and impact was top of mind in every conversation – and still frequently is.
So, how did I end up freelancing for a consulting firm? I took a risk. Not a big risk. I had contingencies. I trusted the people who would be paying me to be open and transparent (and to actually make payments every month). To me, it was enough that I was doing something entirely new. Working in a space that was going to push me in directions I hadn’t anticipated. The software I am building is conceptually simple. Even the bit where I have to be able to use at least three different deployment methods (possibly four) for the same open source service. Conceptually, the service itself isn’t all that complex. I took the project with that in mind. It would be something I could use as a portfolio piece, and would help me to get used to building in public. It is a stepping stone into the world of open source collaboration. Facilitated by people who view the world similarly to me.
Much as children grow when they are exposed to new things at school, on field trips, or at family gatherings, we need to expose ourselves to new things regularly. Spending time teaching my niece to handle small scale power tools and build a plywood box expands her 3D thinking abilities, and her capability with tools. It was also just a very nice family moment spent doing something fun together. That is the kind of thing that can happen when we are given new projects to try. We pick up new skills, and often have fun with them.
Not all sunshine
The trouble with growth, is that it requires us to stretch past our comfort zones. We are happy with the status quo. Change is painful. Even in a place where I know I am supported and happy, I can have dark days. There are days when making it to the daily check-in is really hard. Days where I look at the work I need to do, the problems I need to solve, and I wonder if they’re even possible. Days when I really do just want to throw something expensive off a cliff, or maybe set it on fire.
Even on those days, there are important lessons for me to learn. I have a personal failing, which is my absolute inability to ask for help when I am overwhelmed. I am working on it, but I don’t always notice that I need to do it. I could go into all the reasons why I am like that, but they aren’t relevant. What is, is the fact that I need to recognise those moments. Because if I can manage to find the right people to ask for help, then I can start to grow in new ways. I can develop new skills, without having to do everything myself.
Asking for help and support on tasks and types of work which I either find incredibly draining, or just have no knowledge about, is a type of growth. By delegating administrative and infuriating work, I can have energy for doing the creative work. The challenge is letting go once I have delegated. I have a deep seated need to see everything lined up and well structured. Letting go of part of that, and allowing others the freedom to do it their way? That’s a lot harder than it sounds.
Admitting that I don’t know how to do something, and that I don’t actually know where to look for instruction is almost as bad. There is a meta issue in this one. Not only do I enjoy the process of figuring things out for myself, I frequently do not have clear access to actual experts. Not because they do not exist. Not because they are all out of my time zone. But because finding the the people who know these things requires reaching out beyond the edges of my comfort zone. Stepping beyond the shy introvert, and asking “the internet” for help. Reaching out to a community.
Rainbow bridges
I am in a season of growth. In a place where I realise that my ideal role is not just that of a senior software engineer. I need the space to teach, and learn, from a community. I need the space to create. Writing this blog. Writing other articles. Building communities, new and old. Learning new skills. And most importantly, learning how to take a risk and ask for help and support. Learning how to trust the people around me to actually do the things they need to do, even if their process is a little different from my own.
At afrolabs I am finding space to grow into those things. I have been faced with different opportunities to those advertised to me, and I have taken steps in understanding my own flavour of technical leadership. I don’t know where I will end up, but I am moving in a direction which aligns more fully with my dreams than ever before. It is terrifying, but as the sun pokes through the clouds and I see the rainbow I am reminded that God has a plan, and I don’t usually see it until I look back.
Then I can say of myself “oh wow, look at how much you have grown”.
Pippa Hillebrand 