Sometimes everything piles up and you find yourself just wishing for life to slow down. Things to stop happening. A chance to reset the brain cycles, and come at the day with a fresh perspective and little more energy. Life never seems to work that way, even though many of the things which keep us busy are good, that doesn’t mean they don’t take energy. If you’re someone like me, you push through anyway, and maybe that’s not so healthy.
Some Context
The time frame between 21 August and 21 September has been very full for me. I made a list of the things I have done (and given that today is the 18th, some hasn’t happened yet). We begin this block with the pre-amble to a wedding. Attending a bachelorette/kitchen tea which then meant I also connected with another friend in that area. Alright, so that’s OK. I’m an introvert, but so are all those people. Add in the wedding itself on the weekend (23rd), and my introvert self was tired. I took the time to rest, to find space alone, read books, not over do things. I thought I was OK. I even chose to attend a tech meetup at the SKAO offices (2nd). It was one part interesting, one part very telling, and I think the nature of meet-ups might be a post all of its own.
Then things start going downhill, because two weeks later (6th) I was at a funeral. Singing the same version of Amazing Grace as we sang at the wedding two weeks before, and I was legitimately choked on the words. The stark contrast playing in my mind, and the day-to-day busyness which is my life meant I couldn’t stay and just be there for my friends after. I had to run off to play hockey. I arrived at my home church the next morning (7th), only to learn of another death in the community. This time I didn’t leave myself time and space to rest and reflect. I couldn’t.
I had been working on and off for a few months to help get a community initiative off the ground. Our first Code& Femme In Tech meetup was to take place on Monday the 8th. I had written a talk, and personally asked friends to attend. It was something I had been looking forward to, and which I thoroughly enjoyed. In some ways it was everything I needed after the weekend I had just experienced. In other ways, that emotional roller coaster is not all that healthy. I still wasn’t taking proper time to stop, relax, recuperate. Daily life doesn’t stop or slow down just because there are big events happening.
Surely after that I could take a bit of a breather, slow down, and reset? Maybe a little, but I had more things coming up. With my hockey season coming to an end, and scheduling being what it is, the next Sunday (14th) was fuller than I should have allowed. Double duty for Church Music (not a bad thing, but time consuming) followed by a hockey match and braai meant I had to miss out on an invite to witness the baptism of a friend’s child (I honour commitments on a first come first serve basis). This craziness is what heralded the beginning of one of the busiest weeks of this chaotic month. Tuesday (16th) was give a brother a ride to the hospital for a minor op, and then also get some life admin sorted. I know a lot of people enjoy getting their hair done, I find it tense and uncomfortable. If necessary. That evening was the dinner for speakers at DataConf (and also kind of keep track of how the op went).
Wednesday (17th) was conference day. A fantastic conference. Great people, great talks, great food, great exhaustion. Have I mentioned I’m an introvert? 10 hours of human interaction is about my limit, and I was already pushing it to make it that long. Now we start reaching into the “future” of the true chaos. Thursday morning (18th), and I am supposed to try and get some work done before going to play at a funeral. Yes, funeral number two in the month. Again, the emotional whiplash is worse than even the pain of the loss. Just yesterday I was networking at a conference, and today I am trying to make it through what is going to be a deeply sad event.
It won’t even be fully over at the end of today. I have made one good decision, and will not be attending another conference on Saturday (even though friends are speaking there), but I have my end of season awards dinner that evening. Where I have to make it through a very “traditional party” atmosphere. There will be a crowd, there will be loud music, it will be poorly lit, I can already feel the headache building.
Through all of this, my usual schedule of work, Church commitments, chores, and sports continues.
What Happened to Slow?
One of my goals this year has been to slow down and take life at a more sustainable pace. Unfortunately I don’t get to control all of the aspects of what is going on. There are so many circumstances which show up unexpectedly, and we just have to make it though, somehow. I have been tracking how much I try and do all at once, and the concept of “slow down” has helped me not fall apart. I have not allowed myself to be a slave to the made-up-clock of a 40 hour work week. If I need to take two hours out of the day to celebrate the life of a pillar of the community gone before we were ready, I am going to do so.
I have slowed down. I have become more deliberate in where I spend my energy (and yes, there are more things I could have been doing this month). I have also seen that sometimes even though it is exhausting, I still would rather be tired having done the thing, than have rested a little more and missed out. So I don’t regret any of the choices which have led me here. I do make the time to journal through my day, to pray each morning, to spend the time figuring out how to process the hurt. I would even say, that with all the emotional whiplash, I am handling it better than I previously would have.
The slowing down I did previously, has built a deeper reserve to draw upon in times like this.
When Does it Stop?
I said it starts to feel like too much. Like I will never get out of the emotional roller coaster of pain and happiness. Of friendship and loss. Of growth and yearning. There are times when I just want to hide under my desk with my dog, and let the world pass me by. When I wish time would stand still so that I can catch my breath and do not have to be everything it looks like I am from the outside. Unfortunately time doesn’t listen to me. Even if the clock stops ticking, time continues to pass.
Acknowledging the overwhelm is one of my biggest weapons for managing it. Knowing that often the anticipation of an event is far worse than the event itself can help me to put it away and let the anxiety show up only on the relevant day. I take comfort in writing out the challenges, and seeing that with the right steps I can get through it.
So, it doesn’t stop. With the right tools, which I am slowly building and maintaining, it simply slows down. Not all the time, and not everyone has the resources I do to hold back the flood waters. It can get better. Melissa talked about burnout at DataConf yesterday, and her story stuck with me. Every story might have different details, but we can give each other the strength and the grace to pull ourselves out of the hole.
Not Complaining
Objectively I cannot complain about my life too much. God has blessed me with far more than I could ever deserve, and I appreciate what I have. That doesn’t make it easy, and some days the brain chemistry is just conspiring against you. My rambles here are an opportunity to draw back the curtain on what people might be going through when they seem a bit distant. It might be that they are quietly holding the emotional whiplash of a busy few days, and if they allow themselves to truly process it right now they will melt into tears and they are trying not to land that on you.
So, check on your friends. Tell them you love them. Give them the space to process emotionally heavy moments, and be there when they need to let it out. We’re all human, not Vulcan or robot. Emotions are going to show up, even when they’re awkward.
Pippa Hillebrand 