Christmas is coming, so we should be philosophising over the best gifts, right? I should be telling you not to give in to consumerism, to take more joy in presence than presents. This is the season for it.
But I’m tired.
So very tired.
And so is everyone around me.
The Lists
Every “gift giving season” my family asks one another to put together a list of things we want. Since now my generation are all grow’d up and have stable incomes, that is a bit of a wild ride. The things we want, but wouldn’t spend our own money on we also wouldn’t ask our siblings to spend money on. I’m not going to ask for a really nice bean to cup coffee machine, or some fancy ergonomic gadget for my desk setup.
Every season we start the lists off with “well, since a will to live, a good night’s sleep, and world peace are not feasible…” and then we write out some fun trivial gifts. Cool puzzles. Trinkets which we will legitimately enjoy. Books by certain authors, or in certain genres.
That starter is the kicker though. I promise we’re not all horribly depressed. Instead we’re high performers. We’re lifestyle optimisers. We’re the people who go as all in on hobbies and community work as we do our full time jobs, and then wonder why we’re always wired. I was taught (through example and explicitly) to always give 100% when an opportunity comes my way. By doing that, I am constantly looking to optimise my life. I want to be able to sleep well, so that I can do more.
The Holidays
Every December, actually from halfway through November, we say “oof, I need a holiday”. We’re waiting for Christmas break. We daren’t take off too soon or we won’t have any floating holidays for emergency bad brain days in the middle of the year. There are two types of people around me. Those who somehow have vacation days they have to take, lest they expire. And those who never seem to have enough vacation days, no matter how generous the policy. I am the latter. I could always do with more time to do my own thing.
Again, it comes back to the way I show up. If you paid me to give eight hours of productivity, that’s what I feel I owe. I will give the best eight hours that I can, every day that I should, in order to validate my own sense of “pulling my weight”. I have learned to push back against busy-work. To ensure that I focus more on producing results than on simply grafting for hours at a time. It is a learned behaviour though, not a way of life. What we learn at school is that no matter how difficult it is to focus, you have to at least look like you’re paying attention.
What does this mean? Well, it means that come December 15th/16th thereabouts, when we have the first public holiday of the Christmas season, I am ready for a holiday. I have grafted, I have pushed, and I have made sure that I was delivering value every single day that I worked. Which can be really hard when you get told “there really isn’t all that much we need you to do”. Thankfully most of the time that doesn’t happen. Most of the time I know the product and the backlog well enough that even if there isn’t a clear bit of feature work to do, I know where to find the interesting bug reports and close out something that’s been irritating me for the last six months.
The Gift
This year, when attempting to think about what I would put on the list for my family, I half-jokingly mentioned that the most valuable thing anyone could give me, is time.
Time.
That’s open to a lot of interpretation. Do I mean I want them to show up and do things with me? Yes. Do I mean I want them to take care of something so that it is just done and I don’t have to do it? Yes. Do I mean I wish they could somehow hand me a science fiction device with which I could have more hours in the day? Only sort of, that seems risky.
Time is a versatile gift. It costs little to no money to give. It is also one of the hardest gifts to give. So when someone does give me their time I value it. I cherish the moments with friends and family where all I had to do was show up, and we could have a great time together. I equally cherish those moments where I invested hours into something and my friends appreciated it.
My brother (who, more than me, looks like a superhero because he manages to do so many cool things in a year) responded that he’d happily tell me to do less. That’s where we claw time back. We stop working longer hours than we need to, and instead spend the evening reading a book, or doing a puzzle, or playing a game. We avoid work events on weekends, and instead take the dog(s) to the beach, and do the bigger at home projects which we’ve been longing to complete. Instead of doing chores we hate, we outsource them, paying other people to cut our grass, wash our windows, or clean our ovens. Each time we take a step like that, we regain a little of this most valuable resource.
Slow Down – Enjoy
The theme of this year has been slowing down. Relishing time. Making the most of relaxed moments. Enjoying the space to breathe. It is so easy for me to fall into the trap of always being on, always running at full speed. When I slow down and enjoy the little moments, that is when I am truly alive.
It is being able to fully immerse myself in singing a hymn in Church.
It is being able to complete a complex DIY project which has taken many weekends.
It is being able to sit and write a blog almost every week for over a year.
It is sitting on my patio, watching as the birds peck at the grass, and my dog sleeps nearby while I drink my morning coffee.
So yes, I am tired. I am the healthy tired of having worked hard, and being deserving of a break. The tiredness felt at the end of a workout or event. The buzz of knowing that I will do most of it again next year, with no regrets, so long as I get my few weeks of me time over December.
Pippa Hillebrand 